The Surrendered Second Wife |
"Just Trying to Help" May Hurt More Than You Know
by Laura Doyle Author, The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man
There's a saying that fish are always the last to discover they are in the ocean. Similarly, those of us who survive by trying to control things around us are often the last to recognize our own behavior. We tell ourselves that we are just being helpful. We're trying to instruct, improve, help others, or do things efficiently. We'd never admit that we are so afraid of the unpredictable that we do everything in our power to ensure a certain outcome.
When I once suggested, for instance, that my husband, John, ask for a raise, I told myself I was only trying to encourage him to value himself. But he felt emasculated, and rightly so. I was trying to control him.
It turns out, just beneath my tendency to control was fear. I was afraid that he'd let his employer take advantage of him, so I lobbied to change the outcome of a situation that had nothing to do with me. Worst of all, my helpful suggestions let him know I thought he was not very ambitious. The intimacy was squashed, the tension crept in and the bickering started. Again.
So much for being helpful.
Now I know that my urge to control is rooted in fear. If you're not afraid your husband will be too lenient in negotiating finances with his ex-wife, you don't have to tell him what to say. If you're not afraid he won't call his daughter on her birthday, you don't have to remind him. If you're confident that he'll handle legal matters promptly and responsibly, you don't need to track them for him.
But what if you are afraid of those things? Then what?
Giving up control of your husband's life requires courage. In order to stop making helpful suggestions, we have to face our fears. Ambrose Redmoon wrote that "courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision that something else is more important." So while you might still feel afraid, you can surrender your control because you recognize that you'd rather have intimacy. It can't hurt to remind yourself that you wouldn't have married your husband except that he is capable and smart.
When you do surrender, something magical happens. Instead of watching you take charge, your husband will suddenly feel the full weight of his responsibilities on his own shoulders. When he doesn't hear you telling him what to do, he will hear his own voice, just as he did before you met. If he realizes that you trust him to handle even the most important matters well, he will feel a fierce motivation to meet your expectations.
Today I try to relinquish control of my husband's life as much as I can - even if it makes me feel vulnerable - so I can have intimacy. Sometimes, I'm still afraid. And sometimes, I choose the control instead of the intimacy. So, I don't do this perfectly, and I don't think I ever will, but it doesn't seem to matter. Just making intimacy my priority by practicing the principles of surrendering has transformed my marriage into a passionate, romantic union.
More Laura:
- Memo to My Critics
- Second Marriage Deja Vu
- Set Limits by Saying the Magic Words (Hint: It's Not "Please")
For more about Laura, visit her website at www.surrenderedwife.com
