Personal Essays |
I'm a Stay-At-Home Stepmom
by Erin Walker
"It's one thing to help raise another woman's children, but why would you want to stay home with them?"
This was a question my mother-in-law asked me. At first, I wondered the same thing. There I was, a stranger, marrying into an "instant family", and I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to my new stepchildren?
What was I, crazy?! Was I just giving in to what my new love wanted? Was I sacrificing my wants and needs to be the "beck and call" girl for two children and a man? I had all these feelings when I first decided to stay at home with my husband's children.
When I first met my stepson and stepdaughter, I admit my almost-immediate connection to them wasn't typical of what happens in most blended families. I am lucky. The feeling I had towards my stepchildren was so intense I knew I needed to care for them. After my husband told me what they had gone through in their lives, there was no choice for me. I had to be there for them. They needed someone.
Having never had children of my own, I needed to "feel my way" around being a mom. It was me these kids would be coming to with bumps, bruises, upset tummies. I was the one they would share their clay creations with, their good grades, their many discoveries.
I was in brand new territory and I didn't know what to do. At the time, I prayed a lot. I asked my "higher power" for a lot of guidance, until one day it hit me:
Let them lead you.
Children do tend to let you know what they need. You just have to listen to their signals. It's taken me 5 years of being a stay-at-home-mom to figure out what their clues mean. I'm sure any mom will tell you that.
I have gone through so much in this role. I'm sure any stay-at-home-mom has felt the exhaustion of being with kids 24 hours a day. They know the feelings of: "Where's my peace and quiet? When is it my turn?!"
And then there are the issues that a stepmom, even those who do not stay at home, have to deal with that biological moms don't.
I've heard:
- "But you're not my mom!"
- "I don't have to listen to you!"
- "You can't make me!"
- "Would their bio-mom do it better?"
- "These aren't even my kids; what if I screw them up?"
It's not the easiest role in life. Hell, being President is probably a picnic compared to being a stepmom. There're custody issues, child support, visitation, grandparents galore. And if you are married to the custodial parent and stay at home with the kids, you get to deal with the doctors and dentists, teachers and sleepovers. It can be both a blessing and a curse.
Any woman who makes the choice to become a stay-at-home mom is making the largest sacrifice in the world. However, it is also the one with the largest rewards. You get to see your child's greatest achievements. You can be there for them on their bad days and help make them better.
Being a stepmom has taught me more in my life than I could have ever imagined. I have realized that one of the most precious gifts in this world is to be a mom: to be able to share in the life of a child. . . to help them grow into the person they are meant to become. It's a beautiful thing.
Even if I decide to never have children of my own, I know I've been lucky to have been blessed with two stepchildren who are the lights of my life.
Erin Walker is the stay-at-home-stepmom to her two stepchildren. She's a SecondWivesCafe.com member and co-moderates two forums; Letters We Will Never Send and Grief and Loss Support.
Erin and her family live in New Jersey. She loves photography, music, poetry, and movies.
