Wives of Widowers |
Dear Husband (an Open Letter to the Previously-Widowered):
by Michelle Mares
Dear Husband (or Boyfriend, or Partner, what-have-you),
As in any new relationship, we are often beset with insecurities and fears. We know that you did not choose to end the relationship with your late wife. Thisfact can make us question your motives for wanting to be with us. We often feel empathy for the pain you've been through yet crave desperately the feeling of starting a new relationship with a clean slate.
We wish we could be your first choice, you first love, your first everything. We realize that we have to accept that a whole other life has come before our life together (especially if you have children), but please don't expect us to amputate our feelings of needing to feel special, loved and totally unique.
I mentioned empathy. Because we love you so much, we do mourn the fact that you've had to deal with so much pain. Often we mistakenly think we can handle your unresolved grief, or we feel terribly guilty if we don't really want to hear about how wonderful your relationship with your late wife was.
It's painful but we really don't want to hear how "perfect" your late wife was just as you probably wouldn't relish conversations that revolved around the "wonderful" men we have shared our lives with. We do understand that society doesn't tolerate us "speaking ill of the dead," but canonizing a dead woman who we know was only human adds immeasurably to our pain.
This doesn't mean that your previous life should become a taboo subject — it's just that there is a time and a place to talk about it. For example, bringing your late wife into our beds at night or into our most intimate moments is extremely insensitive. We can handle her better when we're fully clothed and have had our first coffee in the morning.
It would also be nice if you gave us some space to ask questions when we're ready. If, on the other hand, you feel that you need to talk about her a lot, please look up a grief counselor. We want to be your lover and friend! Leave the counseling to the professionals, and you'll save us all a lot of unnecessary grief.
Most important of all, if you discover that you are truly not ready to begin a new relationship, let us know. Don't drag us through your private hell!
We would also deeply appreciate another courtesy which is often neglected. When we become your lovers, we often find ourselves in beds atop sheets that you shared with your late wife. Many of us daren't say anything about this in the beginning, but if you think about it, you have to admit it is an extremely unpleasant situation. It's only made worse by the pictures of your late wife that often share the bedroom with us.
If you can afford it, buy a new bed or at the very least a new set of sheets, pillow covers, blankets and pillows. Put the pictures away in a box. Let's face it, if you are ready to have us in your bed, you are ready to put the pictures in a box.
As the relationship progresses and as we then make plans to live together and marry, your duty to make your home inviting to us becomes even more pressing. Eventually, we expect to live in a home that reflects OUR marriage, OUR taste, OUR love. We won't tolerate living in a dead woman's shrine for very long. So please, understand that you have to be ready to make these changes if you want the privilege of sharing your life with someone new.
We don't expect you to throw out every piece of your previous life, especially if you have children, but we do like storage boxes and attic space. If we don't have to see it every day, it makes our lives much easier.
Please protect us from the insensitive remarks of outsiders who may resent that you have moved on with another woman. Don't expect us to accompany you to parties and gatherings populated by your late wife's family and friends. We want to support you, and often we go along with these plans thinking that we can handle them. The fact is that we have nothing to do with these people, and they often unconsciously (and unfortunately sometimes consciously) say extremely hurtful things.
If such a visit is unavoidable, at least hold us close. Give us extra attention. Hold our hands. Speak up when someone says something hurtful. Be our knight in shining armor. We know you love us, and it's at times like these that we need you to show us all the more. Generally speaking, though, we prefer to be kept separate from the late wife's family and friends or from anyone, for that matter, who is unable to move on or accept that you have.
You are a lucky man to have found women who love you as much as we do. We have given up many dreams, desires and fantasies to be with a man who has had all his "firsts" with someone who died. If you have children, we become full-time mother figures, which is an enormous responsibility and sacrifice. If we move into your house and neighbourhood, we've had to give up our friends and homes and are trying to fit into a whole new social circle which is still mourning your late wife.
We are often desperately trying to carve out our identities in the shadow of a woman that no one wanted to die. We do this because we believe we have found a man we can love more than any other man we have ever met. If you could please honour our feelings, try to understand us and support us through the difficulties, our love for you will only be magnified. We will brag to all our friends about the wonderful man we have met and have eventually married. You may not always find it easy, but in return we will give you everything we have to offer.
With all our hearts,
Your new love
Talk about it at the Members Cafe! Dear Husband
Michelle Mares is a Canadian who has been living in Holland for the past three years. She is a professional pianist and is happily married to a widower with two young children. They are expecting their first child together shortly.