Wives of Widowers |
Out With the Old, In With the New — Creating a Home When You Marry a Widower
by Michelle Mares
Many wives of widowers (or WOWs) are confronted with the uncomfortable situation of living a second-hand life. A WOW may even live in the house that her husband shared with his late wife. Her home may contain many household items which belonged to "her": pictures, furniture, Christmas decorations, wedding gifts, trinkets. These items will have also become an integral part of her husband's life, and initially, he may find it difficult to part with them.
Many wives of widowers even report sleeping in their husband's and his late wife's bed. This can cause a great deal of psychological discomfort and resentment. All of this can result in making the wife of a widower feel like a "guest" in her own home.
She may feel uncomfortable bringing up the topic of her distress at having to live with these physical reminders of the past. She may also deeply resent having to live with objects which do not reflect her personal taste or style. Though it is important to respect the past and the feelings associated with the possessions dating from the late wife's life, it is necessary to eventually create your own style with your husband and to live in a home which reflects your life together.
Often a woman is more sensitive to the aesthetics of her living arrangements than a man, and she may misinterpret her husband's lack of action as insensitivity to her needs when in fact, he may be oblivious to the discomfort he is causing. If this is a problem in your home, don't feel inhibited to begin discussions about this topic, as things are unlikely to change without your initiative.
Using her things can unwittingly make you feel like a parasite — as if in some weird way you're materially benefiting from a stranger's death. You may feel uncomfortable around "their" old friends and relatives when you serve them dinner on "her" dinner service or sit in "her" favorite antique chair. You may have an irresistible urge to consign everything to the local dump and start your life with your husband from a clean slate.
It is a slow process transforming a home. Your husband will probably need time to get used to the idea of change. It is also a financial commitment which most people are unable to tackle all at once. Photo albums, framed photographs, dinner services, "her" family's silver, Christmas decorations, etc., can be stored in boxes in the attic — especially if there are children who will appreciate these heirlooms when they're older.
Creating a living space you and your husband are both comfortable with requires a lot of discussion. Don't feel the need to protect your husband's feelings at the expense of your own. Over time, it is possible to come to agreements about what should go and what can stay, and they should be decisions you can both enthusiastically support. Getting a new bed and new linen, putting up new curtains, buying a new dinner service, putting up new pictures, starting your own photo albums — all of these things can give you a new lease on life. It can also be a lot of fun choosing these items together as a couple.
It is important to move on for the health of your marriage. Your husband can only be married to one wife at a time, and a home should reflect that.
Talk about it at the Members Cafe! Out With the Old, In With the New — Creating a Home When You Marry a Widower
Michelle Mares is a Canadian who has been living in Holland for the past three years. She is a professional pianist and is happily married to a widower with two young children.