The Surrendered Second Wife |
Set Limits by Saying the Magic Words (Hint: It's Not "Please")
by Laura Doyle Author, The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man For years, when my husband misplaced his keys, I sprang into action like an emergency search and rescue squad. I felt triumphant when I found them - at first. Underneath the triumph was frustration at his irresponsibility. Now I had missed my time to read, talk on the phone or get dinner started early.
Of course, I didn't want to seem unhelpful, so I always pitched in when this and other psuedo-emergencies arose. After all, I'm capable and strong. But underneath all that was an overwhelmed woman who was desperate to collapse in an exhausted heap.
Then I discovered the magic words, "I can't," as in, "I can't look for your wallet right now," and, "I can't stop at the cleaners today."
I said these things not because I had pressing appointments or deadlines, but because helping my husband would make me miss out on fun time and feel resentful towards him later.
I know that going around saying "I can't" sounds crazy, especially if you're used to making cookies for your book club after working late, stopping at the cleaners and shuttling kids to daycare. You could argue that you can do it all - but only if you want to be frazzled and edgy all the time.
Instead of thinking of "I can't" as, "I can't because I'm too lazy or incompetent," think of it as, "I can't help you and still stay in emotional balance today," or, "I can't because I want to preserve some of my energy for an intimate relationship and a happy family."
Those things take some energy too, but don't seem as pressing as a mini-crisis.
Saying "I can't" is especially difficult for second wives because they have something to prove: that they're nicer than that "lazy" first wife!
It's only human to want your husband and stepkids to think that you're more thoughtful, more giving and less insane than she is. That's all the more reason to set your limits early and often so that you don't blow a gasket.
Sure, it's tempting to help out when your husband asking for something, and many times you will. But before you agree to watch his kids on a Saturday while he golfs, ask yourself if you'll feel resentful.
If you don't rescue your husband by magically providing a last-minute gift he needs, you may feel guilty in the moment but in the long-term you'll both be happier that you're calm instead of cranky from spending time in an overcrowded store.
Saying you can't do things will feel funny at first, but soon you'll appreciate the benefits of feeling calm and balanced. I felt guilty letting my husband hunt for his own keys until I realized that my words had worked their magic: not only was I not resentful towards my husband, he hasn't misplaced his keys in years. Can you believe it?
I know I can't.
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For more about Laura, visit her website at www.surrenderedwife.com
