The Surrendered Second Wife |
Ask Laura
Questions about marriage and intimacy — asked by SecondWivesCafe.com members — answered by Laura Doyle, the author of The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man.
Dear Laura,How would you handle it if your husband got time off from work for vacation and wanted to go with his friends instead of with the family?
- Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
If my husband wanted to spend his vacation time with friends, I would take it as a sign that he needed guy-time, wish him lots of fun on the trip and call my girlfriends for a pedicure party. However, if my husband wanted to spend all of his evenings watching TV, every weekend golfing AND his vacation time with friends, I'd feel pretty dejected and lonely.
That's exactly how I felt most of the time in our early marriage. It turns out my husband was avoiding me because he was afraid I would criticize him if he got within striking distance. I didn't think I was that bad, but once I stopped making "helpful" suggestions about what he should eat, buy and wear, started thanking him, and saying "I miss you" instead of "Get your butt home", he remembered why he wanted to be with me in the first place.
It's tempting to respond in anger when your husband seems to be shirking his duties (even vacation duties), but keep in mind that you don't want him to go on vacation with you because that's what he SHOULD do. You want him to WANT to go on vacation with you. If you treat him with the respect you gave him when you were dating, he'll respond with the same enthusiasm he had for you then.
If you don't believe that he'll ever again chase you around the bed in a tiny hotel room like he did on your honeymoon, chances are you can't even remember what you respected about him to begin with. To remind yourself, read Chapter 1 of my book for free at www.surrenderedwife.com
Laura
Dear Laura,My husband seems to think that my 16-year-old stepson, "Joel," hung the moon. I have to tell him to treat Joel with the same rules and restrictions the other kids have.
Tonight Joel and his 8-year-old brother "Brad" were tossing a small bag of clothes back and forth. My husband told Brad to knock it off. I asked him why he didn't tell them both to stop it and he answered that Brad had started the tossing. I asked why Joel wasn't just as responsible, if not more so, since he is 16 and supposed to know better. He didn't have an answer. He just joked around about it.
I wasn't trying to get Joel in trouble, but I was — once again — trying to make my husband aware that he seldom says anything to Joel for the very same thing the other kids get called down for.
I worry that always telling my husband he needs to do something, change something, etc., where Joel is involved will only make things worse in the long run. I don't want him to end up resenting me for it.
Can you think of anything that will help out? I sure hope so.
— Frustrated Stepmom
Dear Frustrated Stepmom,
I can see how watching your husband treat his children unjustly would drive you nuts. It doesn't sound like he's doing Joel any favors by giving him special treatment. On the other hand, you're not doing your husband, yourself or Joel any favors by pointing that out.
I know you might have to bite your tongue till it bleeds to stand by and not say anything when your husband starts dressing down the other kids and acting like Joel can do no wrong. But consider the alternative: If you continue to criticize your husband's parenting, he will probably not improve in this area, but he will certainly withdraw from you.
Personally, I'd choose the bloody tongue.
But how do you stay calm while your stepson gets away with murder? It won't be easy, but it may help to remind yourself that your husband's lax attitude is not life-threatening and that it's not your responsibility to be Joel's father, or to interfere with their relationship. You do have the difficult and important task of being his stepmother, so when it's your job to discipline, be as fair about it as you can. When the task of correcting the kids falls to your husband, remind yourself that you can either try (in vain!) to control a grown man or you can maintain the intimacy and peace in your home by respecting his decisions even if you don't agree with them.
When you give your husband the gift of respecting his decisions — even when you realize they're far from perfect — you let him know that you trust him. That trust in turn breeds the emotional connection that will strengthen your union. Nothing could be more valuable for helping your marriage survive even the biggest challenges — including raising a teenager together.
Laura
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Do you have a marriage question or problem you'd like to ask Laura about? Send them to asklaura@secondwivescafe.com
Due to the volume of mail she receives, we cannot guarantee that Laura will be able to answer your question in the column, and won't personally respond to e-mails.
Laura Doyle is the author of The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a ManFor more about Laura, visit her website at www.surrenderedwife.com
