Relationships |
Ask Jill
Questions about blending families, stepparenting, second marriages, and more — asked by SecondWivesCafe.com members — answered by Jill Curtis, the author of Where's Daddy?, a book about helping children after a divorce, and Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children, and Find Your Way through Divorce
Where are my boundaries?
Dear Jill,
Hello. I am the mother of three children and one stepdaughter. I have been married for one year but with him for three. When I met my husband, he also had a son that wasn't really his biological child. My husband had raised this boy since he was small but no longer has anything to do with him.
My husband's ex met a man and moved about an hour away from us; she has since ended up going to jail on drug charges. She left the children with her boyfriend and he overdosed in the motel room with the children there. I am guessing the motel is where they were hiding from the law.
Anyway, we went to court to get his daughter out of foster care. We brought her home and were making a stable environment for her. Children's Service assured us that her biological mom would not be able to get my stepdaughter back when she was released from jail. Needless to day, the agency never filled some papers out and lost some others. Within nine months her bio-mom had my stepdaughter back.
Before all of this began, my husband and his ex had shared parenting. He got my stepdaughter Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, and she went back to her bio-mom's on Tuesdays. Well, it was summer, so we started getting her every other week, which was great. I had felt like part of my heart was ripped out when the bio-mom came and took her away; part of my family was missing.
Her mom moved in with a man and they drank and partied all the time; then he'd get mad at her (the bio-mom) and threw her out and she would move on to a new man. At one time they were living in a camper with yet another man, then he threw her out. Then the school year began and bio-mom returned to the first man; he threw her out again. She moved into a house with no running water.
We thought surely that would be grounds for us to get my stepdaughter back, but no; as long as bio-mom brought water into the home it was fine, in the eyes of the courts. Then the electric got shut off but by the time we got wind of it she was back living with the man who kept throwing her out. She would take the child and drop her off at this house to catch the school bus and go on to work. One day the start of the school day was delayed by two hours and the bio-mom didn't know about it. She dropped my stepdaughter off at the house and went on; this child was left out in the country alone.
I knew my husband was upset so I talked to the bio-mom: "You come by my house everyday to go to work; why don't you drop her here and I will take her to school?" She agreed and we started getting to take care of my stepdaughter every other week, as we had in the summer. About another month later, bio-mom called me. She wanted to know if I could pick my stepdaughter up from school every day and she would just pick the child up at my house. I agreed; I just want to keep the peace. Then the man kicked her out again and she moved in with a friend from her work and decided to switch my stepdaughter's school. So I started going to the new school and picked her up and took her home. Then she and her roommate fell out and she finally got her own place, which was great.
One day I needed to help at my son's school and I would not be able to pick my stepdaughter up as usual one Friday, so I called her bio-mom to let her know. She started screaming at me: she'll just keep her kid she doesn't need me! I am usually really slow to anger but I had a lot going on with my own life and I started to scream back at her.
Now we have not seen or heard from my stepdaughter in nearly three weeks. We don't know where she has moved and her bio-mom has no phone. So I told my husband that I was out of it; he would have to deal with her mother and that the child was to only come when he was here to spend time with her. His daughter has been caught telling some lies but I just shrugged it off because I always thought she was just saying what her mother wanted to hear but I am tired of getting hurt.
Do I give up and go on? My own kids have a dad who doesn't have anything to do with them and I feel like all this takes away from my own children. If anything goes wrong I am the one to blame and I am tired of defending myself. I am sorry this is so long and I tried to narrow it down because the list of things goes on and on.
Just where do I draw the line so I am not hurt all the time?
— Tired Stepmom
Dear Tired Stepmom,
Your story illustrates a point which gets very little appreciation — a stepmother giving her heart to a stepchild in very very difficult circumstances — and then (in your words) feeling like part of your heart is ripped out when everything goes wrong. You must try to comfort yourself by knowing you have gone much more than halfway to help your stepdaughter. I can only imagine your grief at not hearing from her for three weeks.
You ask, "do I give up or go on?" I can understand your concern that all this family trouble takes you away from your children, but after all, this seems to be a child in trouble.There must have been times when you have been the only hope for this girl. I suspect that even at the risk of being hurt again in the future, you will find it hard to turn your back if you find yourself in touch with her.
— Jill
Husband has three children by three different women
Dear Jill,
In February of this year I married my boyfriend of three years. I love him very much; however our relationship has a lot of elements involved in it that causes alarm bells to go off for me!
Well, for one thing, my husband has three children by three separate woman. One lives in Texas, one in Alabama, and one in Georgia. The one who lives in Georgia is his last child. And we have moved to Georgia from North Carolina to be close to this child. See, in the beginning of our relationship he broke it off with me to marry the last child's mother (KP). KP refused him and they had a bitter argument which kept him out of her life for the first year and three months of the child's life. They (KP and my husband) have become friends again, and now they meet each other about twice a week so that Noel (my husband) can form a relationship with Noelani (the child). My husband even accepts KP's son, who has nothing to do with him, as his.
When we first got together and were getting to know each other, Noel told me that he made a mistake by marrying his first wife knowing that he was in love with KP and had been so for several years. You see, they went to college together and had been sweethearts there. They kept up a relationship off and on for several years and he even moved to Georgia to be close to her.
My problem is that I feel left out. Noel and I will never be able to have children of our own. After he asked KP to marry him he had a vasectomy. So I will never have a child that looks like him and me. We have talked about outside adoption and adopting his first daughter, but it's just not the same... And I know how much Noel loves his youngest child and her brother; he talks about them all the time. As does his mother, who is completely taken with the children. They have made family trips to Florida to visit her and the children will be staying down there over the summer.
I would love to get to know the children better and share in that bond. But their mother claims she isn't "ready" and that she "doesn't know me well enough." I have a good relationship with the other two children, considering the fact that we don't see them often. And Noel is very good about keeping me out of the mix when it comes to dealing with their mothers. However, KP lives in the same state as us; as a matter of fact, she leaves 20 minutes away. I have only met her once and she appear to be very nice. And if her children are any reflection of her then she must be great, because everyone claims how great the children are, even Noel.
She doesn't call us for anything or try to make trouble in our relationship but I somehow feel like she has the advantage. I know that if she really wanted to she could probably cause big problems. Now she is talking about moving to another state; mind you, my husband is going completely nuts about this. He even talking about moving to where she is just to be close to the children...
Jill, help! I don't know what to think or do!!!!
— Left Out and Worried
Dear Left Out,
Oh dear, what a complicated life your husband has had — and still has! The good things are that you have always known from the start, and as you say, you love him very much. Possibly one of the things you love about him is his capacity to love his kids!
Does Noel know that you would like to be more involved with the children? Although you have not been married for very long, you have had a relationship for three years. And you have feelings and rights too.
Is your main worry now that if this mother moves you will have to follow? Are you discussing this at all with your husband? If not, no wonder you feel left out.
I seem to be asking you more questions — so do write to us again if we can help some more.
— Jill
Divorced and Widowed
Jill,
Jill, I am sure my situation is not unique, but it certainly is a new experience for me.
I am single, just turned 40 and have no children. I met a man through Match.com back in August of 2001. His profile said he was widowed with a young son at home. We met after emailing and talking for a while. He not only is widowed with a young son, he also is divorced from his first wife and they have three kids in another state. This man's second wife died in the fall of 2000 from malignant melanoma at age 36 or 37 &8212; I'm not sure.
He appeared at first to be ready to meet a new woman. However, as we dated, it became apparent to me he was still deeply, deeply, deeply in love with the wife who died — they were "soul mates" if ever there were any — and he was pretty much living in the past with her. I am the first woman he has dated for any length of time since her death. Things were going along well — his son adores me; I met one of his other children who likes me a lot, I met his boss and co-workers and they all liked me right away. I was met with "approval" from all the people who were close to him except his family in another state and I've only met one of them.
We are now not dating because he said we were going too fast and he was "not sure where we were headed." This was quite a blow to me as I never ever put pressure on him to move the relationship to a more-committed relationship, nor did I ever put any expecations on him to date me exclusively and put the past behind him. I was extremely respectful of their relationship and listened patiently when he talked about her (There are still large framed wedding pictures of her hanging on the walls of every room in their home except the bathrooms and it looks like a shrine. I have never seen so many wedding portraits displayed so prominantly in any home I have ever been in. Even her bouquet and wedding invitation each are framed and displayed. She was quite beautiful, by the way). I never even assumed from week to week we would have a date. Anyway, he pulled away and although we continue to speak and email occasionally, the relationship is pretty much over.
My question to you is, how does a woman ever feel a sense of security and feel that the relationship can survive when the widower is still clinging to the love of his deceased wife? How can I measure up to this "perfect woman" who died a horrible, painful death, leaving a young son and loving husband behind? I really do like this man, but I don't think there will ever be a point when I could feel as loved as she was. This is sad for me to feel that I am competing against a ghost. I don't expect him to "get over her" and move on. That is cruel and unnecessary. What I would like is for him to be able to focus more on the present and future, but he is on his own timetable and I cannot do anything about that. Please let me know your thoughts — should I hang in there and be patient, or am I holding on to a hopeless situation and should I just move on?
Thank you for reading my message. I wish I had more time to explain in more detail, but I don't. I stumbled across this website and find it very interesting. Thanks again,
— Confused
Dear Confused,
I think it is a great pity that you met up at this time. What I mean by this is that it takes people different amounts of time to recover from the death of a spouse. And you tell me that your friend's wife died a horrible death eighteen months ago.
When there is this kind of loss it is only too easy to, after a while, begin to feel strong enough to look for another relationship. However, even when meeting someone really special it often sets up a push-pull feeling of wanting another intimate relationship, yet feeling all sorts of emotional pain again. Even betrayal. So don't blame yourself — as you say, you have not been putting any pressure on him. The pressure probably comes from within himself.
This must be very very hard for you, especially as you have become involved with the children.
Of course, I do not know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but if you continue to feel he is special why not give the friendship a little more time. Don't give up on other social activities but keep a friendly contact going for a while yet. You may find he will be very grateful for your understanding.
— Jill
Talk about it at the Members' Cafe: What would YOU tell "Confused", "Tired", and "Left Out"?
Do you have a question or problem you'd like to ask Jill about? Send them to askjill@secondwivescafe.com
Due to the volume of mail she receives, we cannot guarantee that Jill will be able to answer your question in the column, and won't personally respond to e-mails.
Jill Curtis is a senior psychotherapist working in the UK. She is the author of three books: Where's Daddy?, a book about helping children after a divorce, and Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children. Her books have been warmly received by parents, counsellors and everyone seeking help with family difficulties. Her new book, Find Your Way through Divorce is just published in the UK. It discusses stepparenting, blended families, and offers advice for keeping a marriage strong.Read more about Jill at her website, www.familyonwards.com.