online support for
second wives and stepmothers
Our Own Worst Enemy?
Living with the previously- widowered offers seemingly constant reminders of his previous wife, Cafe moderator Gracie writes. "If we succumb to the 'second best' messages that surround us, and if we live with tension dreading the next reference to another woman, we hurt ourselves," she writes. "We can stop doing this and teach others around us how to treat us by how we treat ourselves."
Dear Husband (an Open Letter to the Previously-Widowered):
Everything the wife of a widower really wants her husband to understand about their life together.
Out With the Old, In With the New — Creating a Home When You Marry a Widower
Practical advice and observations about dealing with feelings of resentment and tackling husbands' objections when creating a home together.
When the Saints Go Marching In: Living in the Shadow of an Angel
Compassionate article written by a SWCafe member and wife of a widower about feeling as if you're "second prize" to your husband, whose late wife is regarded as a "saint".
by a Cafe member
Well, hello --
I am the last wife, and if you are reading this then it's because I have passed on.
I just want to set a few things straight for you. I wasn't the easiest person to live with. Yes, we were very happy but I wasn't a saint, so if he pulls that saint crap whack him upside the head.
When I asked that he remember me on my birthday, I meant light a candle in my memory at the church, not have a birthday party with gifts at home every year, so feel free to shove his head in the cake.
As for the fake headstone and grave... it was a Halloween decoration he thought was cute and kept, I'm sure it's a violation of some code or another; call the city hall.
It was my intention to have my ashes scattered back home with my husband, but now that I am gone, it doesn't seem that important. Tell him to get me off the mantel; it just makes us all uncomfortable. The view from the closet sucks, so go ahead and FedEx me back to my best friend; he knows what to do.
And as for my family -- he didn't like them when I was alive, so I can't imagine why he keeps in contact. Hell, I didn't like them when I was alive! You only have to be nice to them the first few times, then start hanging up on them. It'll be just like old times! Heck, they'll even start to suspect that I faked my death to be away from them.
Now as for my things -- if you like anything then keep it. If you want to start over, then feel free to do that. Just send the artwork with my remains FedEx to my best friend; he really does want it.
As for the photos, give them to the kids. If having them in the kids' room makes you feel uncomfortable, add one of yourself, as you are now part of the family. Still uncomfortable? Then take them down. I don't want you to be living in my shadow. No one deserves to feel they are competing with a ghost. Feel free to FedEx them to my best friend; he will distribute them among the family and he won't be offended to get them in the mail.
Send nothing to my mom -- she is offended by everything.
Now as for my husband, he really is very nice man and we were very happy together, but my time with him is gone and yours is just beginning, so be happy and enjoy each other. If he gets sad momentarily, be kind to him. He takes things to heart and has a little trouble letting things go. Put up with this for around a year then tell him to stop moping.
And, most of all,
have a wonderful life.
Love,
Last Wife
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