Wives of Widowers

Our Own Worst Enemy?

by Gracie

Dealing with the neighbor down the block who remembers how happy our husband was with his previous wife and doesn’t hold back in saying so is no picnic for the wife of a widower, or WOW. Neither is dealing with our man’s former in-laws who resent that we are living the life that they wish their late relative were living. These unpleasant encounters are often nothing compared to coping with our own husband’s trips down Memory Lane that make us feel temporarily insignificant.

But these things, hurtful to us as they may be, are temporary, and they are a reflection of other people's feelings and ideas -– not ours. As wonderful as the late wife may (or may not) have been, her traits do not diminish our worth in any way. But sometimes it sure feels that way.

A woman is often unaware of what it feels like to follow a saint until well into her relationship with a widower. It is a rare woman who can fight off the constant barrage of tales of how wonderful her predecessor was without it affecting her own self-worth. The emotional erosion is gradual, and the hurt is often accepted without protest since it feels wrong speak ill of the dead. Eventually, regular thoughts regarding the late wife become a part of the WOW's internal life. There may be a constant underlying anxiousness as the we wonder when the next detour to his past will occur.

If the wife of a widower is not careful, the fears of coming in second to the great late wife can lead to a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we start to believe we are second best, we will act as if we are and negatively affect the health of our relationships. If we believe we aren’t as valued, we probably won’t be.

We WOWs have the power to change our courses. We can’t do much about the times when other people bring up the previous wife, but we can change how often we bring her up ourselves. We do not need to be our own worst enemy. If we succumb to the “second best� messages that surround us, and if we live with tension dreading the next reference to another woman, we hurt ourselves. We can stop doing this and teach others around us how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.

So, what can the WOW do?

• Stop giving power to someone who isn’t here. Reclaim your place in your family.
• Recognize your strengths, increase your positive self talk.
• Resolve to not waste your time worrying about things related to her -- this is your life; she had hers.
• Set boundaries. Grieving is not an excuse for someone to treat others poorly.
• Refuse to take it personally when someone misses the former spouse.
• When your man struggles with an issue related to the late wife, see it as his problem and not yours.
• Act “as ifâ€? and “fake it ‘til you make itâ€?. If you aren’t completely confident in your role as his one-and-only partner, act as if you are until the feelings follow your actions.
• Recognize that the late wife didn’t have to deal with the memory of another woman or someone else’s kids -- be gentle with yourself and pat yourself on the back for being able to handle so much more than she had to.
• You are not crazy, selfish, petty, or unfeeling. Your feelings are valid and completely normal in this situation. Do not put yourself down.
• When your partner is being loving with you, see it and feel it as real. He could not love you more. He is not holding anything back. Hold on to these realizations and internalize them.
• Acknowledge that negative events are most easily remembered. For every negative you recall in your relationship, challenge yourself to also recall three positives. Let these positives have the focus.
• Save the cards, email, and letters he has given you. Pull them out and review them when you’re feeling stressed.
• Imagine your mind has an off-on switch. Visualize turning the negative self talk off.
• And of course, come and talk about it with others who have "been there" at the Cafe!

Daily life offers the wife of a widower more than enough reminders of the woman who came before. She doesn’t need to add to these reminders with her own recurrent thoughts.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. It’s time to practice being good to ourselves, starting with changing our own self-talk.

To paraphrase our wise Cafe member Victoria, we are the "queens of our lives." While we have to hear about the late wife from time to time, it shouldn’t affect us much. We should be too busy polishing our own crowns!

Here’s to enjoying a happy and healthy life with our partners, WOWs!

Gracie is a social worker and a wife of a widower. She is the custodial parent of her daughter from her first marriage, and stepmother to her husband's 19-year-old son. She and her family live together with their "fur baby" (a Bichon Frise dog) in Minnesota. Gracie has just completed her master's degree in social work, and she and her husband have a baby son together.

Gracie is a former member of the SecondWivesCafe.com administrative team and co-moderates the Wives of Widowers, Pitter-patter, and Letters We Will Never Send forums.

Members only: Talk about it at the cafe!