Relationships

Ask Jill 3/2002

by Jill Curtis

Hi Jill,

I was wondering if you had any tips for blending stepfamilies with older kids. We have 5 kids between us from the ages of 27 to 17. All but the youngest is out on their own. I am finding it hard to find any common ground for these kids to join together on. We don't live close, so there is minimal contact between the step-siblings. Right now we are coming to terms with the fact that there may be no way to bring these families close. There are just too many years seperating them to do that.

Thanks for any ideas.

- Red

Dear Red,

I think you are right to accept the fact that it is very hard indeed to blend together "adult" kids. You say your five are between 27 — 17, add to that the fact you don't live near to each other, and you can see what you are up against.

The best you can both do is to keep a loving and strong relationship with each one, and if in time they begin to forge links together, then that will be a plus. But in the meantime, just enjoy each and every one of them.

Jill

Dear Jill,

My husband's ex-wife lives 2000 miles away and refuses all communication with us regarding my 3 year old stepdaugter, Breana. She returns certified mail unopened, hangs up on us when we call, and refuses visitation, which is already complicated due to the distance. We end up unable to make plans for fear the travel expenses will be wasted as she threatens to "disappear" when we come to pick up Breana for visitation.

Up until a month ago, we had never missed a child support payment, but her behavior and my husband not being able to find a job has caused us to stop paying all together (I need to mention here that she and my stepdaughter live with her parents who are very well-off, and the ex has told us herself that previous child support payments were used to gamble with in the casinos near her parent's home.).

When we lived in the same city, visitation always required that we get the police involved as she refused otherwise. Now that we've moved, it seems impossible. For these reasons, my husband and I feel that the only choice we have is for him to file to relinquish his parental rights and part ways with his ex and daughter. He feels the pain will be too great for him and his daughter otherwise.

What are your suggestions? We do not feel we have been given a choice by his ex, and we do not have the funds to wage a custody battle for Breana, though we would LOVE to have her full time. Please help!

— Breana's Stepmom

Dear Breana's Stepmom,

I am so sorry to read that your husband's ex-wife has in fact cut off all communication between her daughter and her father. From what you say it seems that it has been a deliberate and protracted way of breaking any links. It must be heartbreaking for you both and you do seem to have tried everything in your power.

I am always sad to read if child support payments and child access get entwined, and I always urge the non-resident parent to hang in there if at all possible, but with finance an added worry for you both, it may be the only way to go — to relinquish parental rights.

Could you have one more shot at contacting the mother? At the end of the day it is Breana who is really going to lose out the most.

Jill

Dear Jill,

My husband's ex-wife is a big control freak. Normally I genuinely feel sorry for her as she has no idea who she really is, having spent just 3 weeks without a man in her life from the age of 17. She is a little unstable (my opinion).

I am an independent type of woman and generally can see all sides on a situation, but the latest one has me stumped.

Thanksgiving this year was our holiday (biological mom had them last year) and she sent the kids without any clothing, which was a first... we haven't had this problem before. Now, normally I would think, "Poor woman, how disturbed do you have to be to do that to your own children?" This was exactly how I felt until I found out that she did it to us after her new husbands ex-wife did it to her. I just couldn't get past it. I was furious and I just couldn't let it go.

Next was the Christmas saga. We were supposed to have the kids for Christmas as well, as bio-mom had them last year. Bio-mom calls up and says the kids don't want to come as they never have fun at our house at Christmas (like they'd know, as we have NEVER had them then).

My husband said, "It's not OK, we get the kids or she is in contempt of court." An hour later she calls and puts the kids on the phone and makes them tell their Dad they don't want to come as they don't have any fun. My husband said, "We'll see what we can work out," and hangs up.

I say they come for Christmas or not at all. He says they should come after Christmas,and he doesn't feel that the kids (14 and 12) should be punished for something their mother does (and I see his point). I say, he is married to me and if anyone is telling what to do over the holidays it's me, not his ex wife. We proceeded to fight about it for almost a month. He sees it as a choice between me or the kids and I see it as a choice between his ex-wife and me. He finally decided to get the kids and I decided to check into a hotel.

The day before this was due to happen my husband became violently ill and we spent Christmas day in the hospital emergency room and we didn't get the kids (divine intervention, as God is on my side...I say! *LOL*).

Now my question is, how can I get past his ex-wife's vindictiveness and how can my husband and I resolve this conflict so it doesn't happen again? Neither of us can see a way around it. We can "agree to disagree" but it doesn't solve the problem of what to do when it happens again. There really is no compromise, but who gives in to whom?

HELP!

— Dreading Holidays

Dear Dreading Holidays,

Do try not to make your husband's ex-wife's problems ones which comes between you and your husband. Take care not to draw up battle lines which divide you both!

What a terrible Christmas for you all. It is not too soon to start planning for the next holidays — it must be your turn to have them for Thanksgiving?

I am glad you see your husband's point about not punishing the kids for something their mother does, but, my goodness, what power you give to her if you fought about it for almost a month!

I think your husband needs all the support he can get to deal with his ex and his children. Try not to see it as a question of you "giving in." If you back him in this difficult wrangle I can guarantee you will earn his undying love for your support and understanding.

Jill