online support for
second wives and stepmothers
Ask Jill: July 2003
Questions about a troubled adult stepdaughter and second wife insecurity.
Ask Jill: May 2003
Questions from a second wife frustrated because her husband's ex won't let go, a stepmom worried about visitation drama, a young woman whose sacrifices for her older man are becoming too much to bear, and a woman who wants to reclaim her place as her husband's wife.
Ask Jill VII
Advice for a stepmom watching her husband be cut out of his young son's life, a fiancee worried that her life with her husband-to-be will always revolve around his ex-wife, a woman with "family name confusion," and a stepmother of an Asperger's Syndrome child.
Ask Jill VI
Questions from a Georgia fiancee, an exhausted stepmom of an Asperger's Syndrome boy, a stepmother watching her husband be cut off from the boy he raised, and a woman wondering what to call the people in her complicated extended family.
Ask Jill V
Questions from a wife of a widower, a very tired stepmom, and a second wife who feels left out of the relationship between her husband, his child, and her biomom.
Ask Jill IV
Jill offers advice about grown stepchildren beginning a relationship, a stepdaughter obsessed with "Mommy", and a teen stepdaughter's overuse of the family computer.
Ask Jill III
More advice: this time about a meddlesome stepdaughter's upcoming wedding and a plea for assistance from a stepmom of a four-year-old girl.
Ask Jill II
Jill's second monthly column for Second Wives Cafe offers advice about troublesome 14-year-old stepdaughters (two of them!), a stepson who doesn't want to visit, blending families with younger children, and other issues.
Ask Jill
Jill Curtis' first monthly advice column; addresses questions about terminating parental rights, dreading the winter holidays, and blending a family with grown children.
by Jill Curtis
Questions about blending families, stepparenting, second marriages, and more � asked by SecondWivesCafe.com members � answered by Jill Curtis, the author of How to Get Married... Again: A Guide to Second Weddings, Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children, Find Your Way through Divorce, and Does Your Child Have a Hidden Disability?
Dear Jill,I am a stepmom. I have been there for my stepson (we never use that word) since he was two and a half. He is now 6. My husband and his ex have a superficial relationship which often erupts. Six months ago they agreed to a one week/one week child-sharing arrangement as we live only five minutes from each other.
My husband and I have another son; he's three years old. Recently, during �our" week, my husband had to go away on business. His ex called to speak with my stepson, who told her that his dad was away for a couple of days. The next morning, the mom arrived at the door expressing her �concern� about her son, so I let her in. The typical scene: biomom asks him, "Would you like to come back, take the dog for a walk, and go out for a chocolate croissant?"
My youngest son (the three-year-old) became upset because his brother was suddenly leaving without any notice or warning. I did not feel that I could stop her from removing him from the house, nor was I going to stand between mother and son (who by that point was desperate to walk the dog and go for a chocolate croissant, despite his happiness at playing trains with his little brother just five minutes earlier).
Our morning was completely disrupted: the youngest boy was crying, the ex was clinging to her son, even I was crying because I felt a) helpless and b) hurt and c) upset for my youngest boy.
Does the youngest have the right to spend time with his brother even if the father isn�t here?
What about my rights? Do I have any, or have the last four years been in vain? I am not a "sidelines stepmother." I love, bathe, feed, clothe, care for, purchase for, do homework with, get thrown up on. . . . Does that not allow me certain rights in the visitation issues?
� The Hurt, Confused, and Frustrated Bonus Mom!
Dear Bonus Mom,
I can certainly understand how upset you (and your little boy) were over the incident you describe.
However, I do think the guidelines must be set by your husband. When you were on your own I agree that you had no option, but to prevent this ever happening again boundaries must be agreed upon. You do not say what your husband's reactions were when he came home.
Take heart -- you describe yourself as "hurt, confused and frustrated bonus mom", but from what you say I believe we can also add "caring, loving, and concerned". Talk, talk, and talk again with your husband to make sure you do not get the fallout from your husband and his ex's relationship. It's not fair on you, and its not fair on the kids.
kind regards
Jill
Dear Jill
It is so comforting to read your column and see that other women are going through situations like mine. I have been with my partner for two and a half years and he moved in a year ago. He has three teenagers who stay with us alternate weekends and visit every Wednesday night.
I feel invaded. He didn't want to impose "rules" so they could feel at home here, but I have had to put my foot down and say that I want my home looked after. They are very loud and agressive (all of their relatives think this too) and constantly demand and shout at their father and are very rude to him. I do know they love him, though.
If one is upset with me, they all are. I know that whoever I am, as I'm not their mum, I won't be "good enough," so I do try to give them as much time on their own with him as possible. I also do lots to help them and help with homework, birthday teas and so on. I don't know what more I can do.
The oldest is a 17-year-old girl. I am having real trouble because she tries to take over and boss us all around -- wants keys to my house to bring who knows back, and abuses her dad. She recently refused to come back to my house again because I was not happy with her behaviour. I tried to talk to her and smooth things over for the sake of her dad, but she just used the situation to accuse him of not caring for her.
This is so hard. My biggest problem is that they all discuss our family problems when I'm not there. My partner tries to solve everything but doesn't include me. He used to tell me what they'd said about me afterwards but this was awful for me and I said either they talk to me about things directly or I don't want to hear about it.
I am worried that my partner is not being an adult and a parent and he's just saying that I am his partner now and we must try to get along. I am fond of them but I have to be able to be an adult and take charge in my own home. My partner says he feels "in the middle" and wants to see us all as equals, but we're not; we are different and sometimes I just feel he should put me first.
I feel as though I am biting my tongue for peace and turning into someone downtrodden and miserable. Am I mad?
Yours sincerely
-- Tired of Bending
Dear Tired of Bending
No, you are not mad, but I do hear that you are very unhappy about the situation. I think there are some danger signals here about your relationship with your partner being under a lot of pressure, and I can understand that your resentment level is rising. I can understand that you feel invaded, and yes, they all need a reminder that stepparents have rights too.
I wonder if the problem for your partner is that if he is seen as a heavy father, they won't come at all? This is often a fear which many parents have who do not live with their children full time.
Talk to him, listen to him, and tell him how you are feeling and ask him to help you. Find a quiet moment when you can talk -- not listing all the things the teenagers do which upset you, but focus on how unhappy and left out you feel.
best,
Jill
Dear Jill
My husband and I have both been married before; he has a daughter from a previous marriage.
My big complaint is that my husband's ex-wife, in my opinion, does not have appropriate boundaries. For instance, my stepdaughter asked me to help her plan a sleepover at our house for some of her friends. I asked my husband to check with his ex to make sure that I was not stepping on her toes and that it was not something that she felt strongly about planning.
My stepdaughter and I planned the sleepover to take place on my husband's visitation weekend. The night before the party, however, his ex telephoned several times, livid because we did not invite her to the sleepover!
This happened several months ago, but she is still angry that we were not "gracious" with an invitation and because we have not invited her to our home.
My husband thinks that it would be good for his daughter to have her mother freely come to our home, and yes. . . he even considered letting her to come to the sleepover for a while.
I think it is completely inappropriate. I am the wife, not her, and I should have a say in who comes to our house.
Am I sensitive or is this inappropriate?
-- Want Boundaries
Dear Want Boundaries,
I think most stepmothers would balk at the idea of an ex coming "freely" to their home, but as you seem to have reached a stalemate, let's see if there can be a way around this.
As the ex is angry and still seems to be holding a grudge about the sleepover weekend, why not, in the interest of harmony for your stepdaughter, issue her an "official" invitation for a drink or a meal? This would set the scene that she was welcome by invitation, and you would feel that your home is under your control. It could be a once-off thing.
I think if it works you will receive a lot of appreciation both from your husband (and this is important for your marriage) and also from your stepdaughter.
best,
Jill
Dear Jill
My husband and I have been together for the last four years. We married last year, and right now he is in the process of adopting my son. My son makes my husband a very proud parent!
My husband has a son, also, whose mom spoils him. He can do whatever he wants whenever he wants with her. Even though he's already a teenager, his mom persists in treating him like a baby.
Every year my stepson comes and spends some time with us. The problem is that I really do not know how to make him understand that, while he's at his mother's, he can do anything he wants and treat no one with respect, when he is at our house, he has to follow rules, be polite, and treat everybody with respect.Lately my stepson has begun to treat his stepbrother very rudely and to look for every chance to hurt him emotionally and physically.
My stepson is grossly overweight, which causes him many problems. Hoever, even if we try to put him on a diet regimen to help him out, he will not follow it. My husband has talked to him, and he lies about everything trying to make himself look free of guilt.
I can not stand this situation any more. Even though he is not my biological son, I still love him. It really bothers me that he can not behave like the young adult that he is, and that he still behaves as if he were two years old. He expects everyone to serve him, but he won't give anything in return.
Help!
-- Desperate stepmom
Dear Desperate
I am sorry to read about your many worries about your stepson. He sounds a very unhappy boy from what you say about him.
Is his mother concerned about him at all? Do you think your husband could discuss the worries with his ex? Something is not right with this boy.
Remember, it's not easy being a stepchild. I do also have to wonder if he is not so happy about your news of the adoption.
I understand you feel desperate, but I think he sounds pretty desperate too.
best,
Jill
Dear Jill
I wrote recently and I want to thank you for your kind response to my email (that you published at SecondWivesCafe.com under the name Too Much Sacrifice.
I would also like to ask you another question. I have sacrificed a good deal for my husband, but I have had more money than he has (and we live in a country where making a living is difficult). I feel that he is concerned about me and he has normally indicated that I am a priority for him (for example, when he has the money to spend on things, he prefers that I buy books, clothes, etc. before thinking of himself or sending money to his well-off ex). Perhaps at first, he did not know how to make me feel comfortable while his kids stayed with us (as I mentioned in my last letter). I think that he's made progress in that area as well. While I did not say so in my first letter, I also think that he loves me very much and we generally enjoy each others' company more than any other couple I know.
We really don't see the children much at all anyway, so I do not know why I think about them so much. I am always frightened that because he helped his first wife so much financially, he will continue to do so at my expense when he has more money (and there are some indications that his financial situation could be improving shortly). But, he has done NOTHING to show me that he cares more about his kids and the ex having money -- than about me having some. He has only shown me that he wishes he could help me more.
Still, I worry that the ex will somehow press him for more, after all, she was not kind about what she left him with when they lived together and they currently have no legal agreement about child support, my husband just offers her money informally.
Recently I felt that I came to a new understanding about the source of this worry -- I felt that it was because deep down, I feel the ex is somehow better than me -- that I care so much about what she does and what she has. I felt that I was basically quite threatened (despite the fact that my husband has told me about how much happier he is with me than he was with her). But, coming to this realization and working out the source of it has not helped me achieve peace of mind.
I wish I could stop these thoughts (which cross my mind more than once every day). Is it normal to feel this way? Is there anything that you would recommend to stop thinking about these things? Or, maybe to put myself in a position to be less worried?
Thanks for any ideas you might have.
-- Still Too Much Sacrifice?
Dear Still Too Much,
Good to hear from you again. You seem to have a happy and loving marriage, so it is sad to read that you still have such worries.
I do wonder why you have such negative thoughts. Do you talk these concerns through with your husband? From what you say he seems an understanding man and may help to calm your fears. Trust him, and believe what he says.
best,
Jill
Do you have a question or problem you'd like to ask Jill about? Send them to askjill@secondwivescafe.com
Due to the volume of mail she receives, we cannot guarantee that Jill will be able to answer your question in the column, and won't personally respond to e-mails.
Jill Curtis is a senior psychotherapist working in the UK. She is the author of several books, including Where's Daddy?, a book about helping children after a divorce, and Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children. Her books have been warmly received by parents, counsellors and everyone seeking help with family difficulties. Find Your Way through Divorce is available in the UK. It discusses stepparenting, blended families, and offers advice for keeping a marriage strong. Her newest book, How to Get Married. . . Again: A Guide to Second Weddings, is just published.
Read more about Jill at her website, www.familyonwards.com.
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