Book Reviews
The Enlightened Stepmother
by jennyrene
The Enlightened Stepmother
by Perdita Kirkness Norwood and Teri Wingender
You knew what you were getting into when you married him. . .
It's a phrase many of us stepmothers hear when we express some frustration with blended family life. Not so fast, Norwood and Wingender write in
The Enlightened Stepmother: “Of course you didn't, unless you are one of the rare stepmothers who researched what their new life would entail or were able to get straightforward comprehensive advice from another stepmother.”
This book allows you to do both. First, the authors prepared to write this book by interviewing more than 200 stepmothers in various stages, so real-life wisdom informs this book.
Second, The Enlightened Stepmother is full of questionnaires to help the any stepmother sort out her feelings, and “action boxes” offer proactive advice in defining and shaping the role.
This book is broken into four parts:
-
“Getting to Know You” concentrates on YOU, the stepmother. It provides tools to work through past relationships and examines your current views of stepmothers. It encourages you to define your expectations and allows you to define your role in the new family.
- “Relationships" looks at people who will affect the relationships of the stepfamily, such as your in-laws, friends, the “ex”, the stepchildren themselves, and even a new baby.
- "Lifestyle and Practical Matters" is all about the “legal stuff” and daily life: the wedding, setting up home and merging possessions, money matters, custody and visitation, school, and the oh-so-important discipline issue.
- "Is This What I Want?" provides tools and insight to allow you to take stock of your relationship and decide if things are going as you desire. In other words, are you getting a return on your emotional investment? It discusses negative feelings you may have, what they are, and how to deal with them. The husband's role is examined, and the authors show that if he supports you in your role, everyone is happier.
This section encourages you, the stepmother, to look five to ten years ahead, decide where you'd like to be in your relationships then, and gives you advice and encouragement so you can work toward your goals. It then leads you through a review of the previous chapters' questionnaires, and an evaluation. If you are still have issues to work through, it contains a section on stepmothering resources with recommended books to read on relationship and stepfamilies, and also emphasizes the importance of support groups. Talking to clergy, entering therapy, and selecting a counselor are briefly discussed as well.
The authors claim that after reading this book and answering the questionnaires honestly you should be able to answer the ultimate question, “Is life in a stepfamily what I want?” If your answer is “Yes”, then congratulations! If "No", they counsel you to move on as quickly as practical if you are sure you have tried everything and are still unhappy most of the time.
In essence, the authors stated that the families that thrive have three main ingredients:
-
A united front - The couple needs to work together for the good of the marriage and stepfamily.
- Agreement about finances - The couple must agree on the allocation of money or money problems will affect the rest of the relationship.
- Outside support - a network of people who the SM can share her successes and failures with who value her.
There are a lot of books on divorce and stepfamilies, but most of them focus on the children. This book focuses on the stepmother and her feelings, her issues, and situations she will encounter. I know that after reading this book, I felt much more like an "enlightened stepmother."
jennyrene is a Second Wives Cafe member and stepmom to three boys. She wrote in her member bio,
I met my husband thru a personal ad in '96 when he was separated and going thru a divorce. I didn't know he had kids until we had been dating for weeks and I was hooked BIG TIME on him. I thought, "I can deal with this -- I'm a nice person and like kids. . ." I didn't realize how hard it would really be.
Jenny and her husband have just blended their family further by having an "ours" baby together.
Members only: Talk about it at the cafe!
