online support for
second wives and stepmothers
Ask Jill: May 2003
Questions from a second wife frustrated because her husband's ex won't let go, a stepmom worried about visitation drama, a young woman whose sacrifices for her older man are becoming too much to bear, and a woman who wants to reclaim her place as her husband's wife.
Ask Jill VII
Advice for a stepmom watching her husband be cut out of his young son's life, a fiancee worried that her life with her husband-to-be will always revolve around his ex-wife, a woman with "family name confusion," and a stepmother of an Asperger's Syndrome child.
Ask Jill VI
Questions from a Georgia fiancee, an exhausted stepmom of an Asperger's Syndrome boy, a stepmother watching her husband be cut off from the boy he raised, and a woman wondering what to call the people in her complicated extended family.
Ask Jill V
Questions from a wife of a widower, a very tired stepmom, and a second wife who feels left out of the relationship between her husband, his child, and her biomom.
Ask Jill IV
Jill offers advice about grown stepchildren beginning a relationship, a stepdaughter obsessed with "Mommy", and a teen stepdaughter's overuse of the family computer.
Ask Jill III
More advice: this time about a meddlesome stepdaughter's upcoming wedding and a plea for assistance from a stepmom of a four-year-old girl.
Ask Jill II
Jill's second monthly column for Second Wives Cafe offers advice about troublesome 14-year-old stepdaughters (two of them!), a stepson who doesn't want to visit, blending families with younger children, and other issues.
Ask Jill
Jill Curtis' first monthly advice column; addresses questions about terminating parental rights, dreading the winter holidays, and blending a family with grown children.
by Jill Curtis
Questions about blending families, stepparenting, second marriages, and more — asked by SecondWivesCafe.com members — answered by Jill Curtis, the author of How to Get Married... Again: A Guide to Second Weddings, Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children, Find Your Way through Divorce, and Does Your Child Have a Hidden Disability?
Dear Jill,My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I have a stepdaughter who is going to be 22 this January. She is in university but is home for the summer. She has tried to break up our marriage for some time now. She wants him and his wallet!
She has manipulated him for years. She knows she cannot manipulate me and that makes her unhappy. When things don't go her way, she will take it out on me when he is not around. She has bullied me beyond belief.
I raised her since she was 3 years old and I had noticed something "different" about her but always attributed it to her age or maybe her being ADHD, etc. After her first year at college, she decided she would not go back and she would take a year off. Well, that was the year from Hell.
She saw a psyciatrist who said she may be bipolar; my stepdaughter then went on medication and seemed to be doing better. Then it was decided she was ADHD, so she started medication for that, which didn't help at all. This continued until she just decided to stop going.
Her father has been giving and giving, car, money, whatever she needs. He knows how I feel , and I think she should just be cut off. Let her fend for herself. I feel she is actually borderline personality disordered; the family says she is just "immature."
I can no longer live with her. She has taken over my home and I feel it is all a game to her -- winning at any cost.
Her father is trying to do what I ask for the sake of our marriage but I feel it is not going to work. He is not trying hard enough. He has known how upset and burdened I have felt for a long time and chose to do nothing. Eventually the resentment eats you alive because you are alone and you end up losing your loving feelings because your husband let it happen.
What to do???
— Resentful of Both
Dear Resentful,
I think your letter will bring a chill to the heart of many stepparents - to know that the family difficulties can go on for so many years.
Perhaps your husband turned a blind eye to the troubles over the years in the hope that things would just settle down, so it is very important that you tell him now that you have reached this desperate point. I know that after a family breakup many parents hold back from any discipline because of fear they will not keep contact with a child.
From what you say your stepdaughter is very troubled and perhaps a condition for continuing to help her financially should be that she does seek professional help.
Remember stepparents have rights too, so put your foot down about being bullied - and try to work out a plan together with your husband. After all, she is now 22 not 2.
best,
Jill
Dear Jill
My husband and I have been together for nearly six years and have three boys, including his six- and eight-year-olds from his prior marriage. They live with us 50% of the time. I consider myself to be as much of a mother to my stepsons as their biological mother is.
While she is a good parent, I am more nurturing and do most of the disciplining of the kids. The children were very small when my husband and I got together so our 8-year-old calls me by a nickname and our 6-year-old calls me "Mom." He has grown up calling me "Mom" -- at first we tried to get him to stop -- but it seems to have stuck.
My issue, however, is not with our children, it is with my insecurity lately over their birth mother. My husband's divorce from her was very ugly and lasted three years. My husband's ex fought him every step of the way and he's been to court 38 times over the last six years -- all court dates intiated by her.
My husband's ex has been very ugly in the past but when she wanted something you would see this funny personable person come out. I could always tell she wanted something so I would just put it in perspective.
This might sound strange, but ever since my husband and his ex are now getting along better, I am beginning to feel very jealous these last six months of a woman who has been so ugly for so long. She is now showing her best side to my husband at all the kids' sporting events, laughing with him, telling him jokes, calling him up and emailing him about things unrelated to the children (what kind of job she is thinking of getting, what kind of dog she is thinking of buying), etc.
He sees me getting mad that he's talking to her "for the sake of keeping things going well", he sees me tired from working, raising three kids and being pregnant, while she doesn't work outside the home, has a paid off house and lots of money -- coming from us. My husband is seeing the worst of me; we fight regularly (literally, only about her). She has walked into our home unannounced and uninvited many times. My husband is attempting to set boundaries with her after all of my complaining over the last year, but our marriage is on the rocks due to my insecurity.
I feel all too often that she comes first and even though my husband is trying to set boundaries, he tiptoes around her and is very blunt with me about things. I feel like she gets the best of him and I get the tired leftovers.
-- Tired of Leftovers
Dear Tired,
I am so sorry to read about how things have developed for you all as a family. The fallout from the breakup of a family can go on for a long time, and you seem to have had more than your share of difficulties with 38 court appearances over the years. It sounds as if you knew where you stood when your husband's ex was behaving in such a way, and now with the turn around it has left you confused. Coping with the kids, and being pregnant, plus all that has happened has left you exhausted mentally and physically and I can understand it is the last straw to see your husband getting on with his ex and mad at you.
The good news is that your husband is trying to enforce the boundaries, but it is always a complicated thing to do when there are children involved. Keep in mind you are the one he can be straight with. Parents often get scared too of upsetting the apple cart with an ex and perhaps your husband is relieved that at the moment there is not such a war going on. Remember, she is the ex and you are the wife -- don't give her any more power than she already has by fighting with your husband over her. She really is not worth it, and you need all your strength to cope with your family.
best,
Jill
Do you have a question or problem you'd like to ask Jill about? Send them to askjill@secondwivescafe.com
Due to the volume of mail she receives, we cannot guarantee that Jill will be able to answer your question in the column, and won't personally respond to e-mails.
Jill Curtis is a senior psychotherapist working in the UK. She is the author of several books, including Where's Daddy?, a book about helping children after a divorce, and Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children. Her books have been warmly received by parents, counsellors and everyone seeking help with family difficulties. Find Your Way through Divorce is available in the UK. It discusses stepparenting, blended families, and offers advice for keeping a marriage strong. Her newest book, How to Get Married. . . Again: A Guide to Second Weddings, is just published.
Read more about Jill at her website, www.familyonwards.com.
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