Mothering & Stepmothering

Because I'm the Adult -- That's Why!

by Gracie

As a social worker, I spend a lot of time in other people's homes.

I spent a lot of time talking to parents about their frustrations, what they wish would change, and about the expectations they once had that weren't fulfilled. I observe family members interacting with each other, sometimes in terribly disrespectful ways.

Time and time again the underlying reason that families experience difficulties is because there is no one in charge. Let me rephrase that -- there is no adult in charge. The kids are the ones calling the shots and they are out of control.

I have seen this scenario in single parent families, in blended families, extended families, and in families where the children's parents are together. It exists across the full range of socio-economic backgrounds. It exists in homes where the kids are very young and in homes where they are almost adults. It exists ? and it causes a great deal of difficulty for both the adults and the children involved.

There is a lot of speculation about why many households today no longer have one or more adults in charge. Some say that it is due to families being too autonomous and spread out. Gone are the days when all the relatives lived within five miles of each other and everyone helped each other out. Gone are the days when neighborhoods contained members who actually all knew each other, valued each other, and supported each other.

Some say modernization has something to do with it. Family sizes through history have typically been larger, and all of the children had a role in the household from tending to the fields and farm animals to having significant household responsibilities. Families no longer need their children to contribute to their livelihood.

Disobediance was once met with the grave words, "Just wait 'til your father comes home." Some say that the "feel-good" culture of past decades caused parents to behave more as equals with their children. Self esteem became the central tenet of modern psychology, and many reknowned parenting advocates gave society the idea that we must bend over backwards to be sure our young ones aren't crushed by disappointments and conflict in order to preserve their mental health. The rise in teen pregnancy rates has contributed to some young parents interacting with their children as if they are companions for them.

There may be elements of truth in all of these reasons for the startling number of today's households that function without clear parental authority.

Many children today are out of control. What can be done to change this?

Adults need to firmly claim their role in the household as the adults, and therefore the ones in charge of the children. This is true in all families, but may be particularly true in stepfamilies.

Sometimes stepchildren get the notion that since their stepparent is not a blood relative, they don't have to listen to them or respect them. When this happens, problems and chaos result. An adult doesn't have to be related by blood to deserve and demand respect from the children in their care. They are worthy of respect by the indisputable fact that they are adults.

Parents who allow their children to treat their spouse disrespectfully are the root of a whole host of problems. Stepchildren are going to test limits and boundaries. This is to be expected and is a part of being a child. If they test by disobeying, name calling, smarting off, and sabotaging the stepparent and their biological parent lets them get away with it, chaos has been invited to take up residency in the household. The biological parent has essentially taught the children that disrespecting the other adult is okay.

This is a terrible lesson to teach a child. It teaches them that bad behavior will not be consequenced with any consistency. This can actually be dangerous in the long run. If children learn they only have to obey authority when they feel like it, the sense that someone is indeed watching out for their best interests is destroyed, and the likelihood that they will begin to get in trouble at school or with the law increases. Once children get out of control and no longer listen to adults, it is very difficult to regain control. This is a very sad outcome for both the child and the parents.

It is imperative that adults realize and stand up for their role as authorities. It does not matter if the adult is a parent or stepparent. Both need to be respected and to be in charge. Ideally, this stage should be set right away when the children are toddlers and should continue without wavering through their childhood. It is also ideal if the stage is set right away when a new blended family forms. The adults make the rules, the rules need to be followed for the safety and functionality of the entire household, and the rules need to be enforced.

If the stage is not set initially it may be difficult to set later, but it is not impossible. The adults can hold a family meeting and present to the children the new way things are going to be. They can expect that the children probably won't like it, and that is okay. Things might seem worse before they get better, but with consistency and time, changes can be made.

Adults can have loving bonds with their children and still enforce an unpopular rule from time to time. Many parents are afraid to make their children mad or make them "not like them any more." Those are normal feelings, and particularly so for noncustodial parents, but they should not stop an adult from keeping their role as the authority.

Families are strengthened when roles are clearly defined and members respect each other. When the household atmosphere is one of predictability and protection, children grow up healthier and more secure.

In many households, children ask, "Why should I listen to you?" They will benefit immensely in the long run if they learn that, "Because I'm the adult" is a very good answer.

"Gracie" is a social worker and a wife of a widower. She is the custodial parent of her daughter from her first marriage, and stepmother to her husband's son, now a young adult. She and her family live together with their "fur baby" (a Bichon Frise dog) in Minnesota. Gracie has just completed her master's degree in social work, and she and her husband have a young son together.

Gracie is a former member of the SecondWivesCafe.com administrative team and one of the Cafe's founding members.