Mothering & Stepmothering

How the World Sees Stepmothers

by Gina Shuster

Close your eyes for a moment. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "stepmother?"

If you are one yourself, you probably imagine a fairly normal person. With flaws, yes, but also with some good, redeeming qualities.

If you are outside of the stepmother community, the image that popped into your head is probably that of a woman who is evil. Dare I say it, "wicked." A woman whose stepchildren despise her existence and who, in turn, treats them miserably. A woman who probably had something to do with the breakup of the first marriage, splitting apart a happy family.

What is it about just the word "stepmother" that conjures up such awful images and makes people cringe at the mere mention of it? Why is it when you tell someone you're a stepmother, they feel they have free rein to ask personal and inappropriate questions such as, "Oh. Well how do your stepchildren feel about that?" or, "Really? Do you get along with the mother?"

Is all of this association just from fairy tales? I think it has to be more.

When a woman is single and dating, it's perfectly acceptable for her to announce her refusal to date a man with children. Friends and family support her in this. She would be the one suffering if she did. If, however, a woman does date and then (gasp!) marry said man; SHE becomes the evil one. The one who is the cause of suffering, rather than one who endures it. If she dares state that she might be suffering, she's greeted with the ever-popular response: "Well, you knew what you were getting into."

Few people outside blended families ever associate the word "stepmother" with the qualities of kindness or compatibility. Few even imagine that perhaps the stepmother is someone who the stepchildren not only like, but who enhances their lives just by being part of them. Instead, people watch the stepmother closely. If she even dares to look "funny" at her stepchildren, they say, "See? She is evil!"

I've experienced this in my own family � people who know me and know what kind of person I am, who know that I have a good heart and treat others with kindness and respect. Still, I'm a stepmother and so they watch my every move with my stepdaughter. I'm told that I'm too hard on her, even if my sister does/says the same to her children. I'm told that I should love her as my own, but don't dare discipline her or make decisions for her. I should treat her as equal to my son, but never forget that I am not her "real" parent.

The word "stepmother" has such a negative association. Will that ever change? The sad truth is that when most people hear the word, the first thing that comes to their mind is "wicked."

Seldom, if ever, do people say to a stepmother, "Wow, that's great. Good for you for taking that on." Or, "How lucky your stepchild is to have you in his/her life." It seems to be out of the realm of most people's conception, that a stepmother can actually be a good, positive thing.

Although I'm skeptical that it will ever happen, I'm staying hopeful that someday, maybe, instead of "wicked", the word "stepmother" will bring the idea, "parent."

Gina Shuster and her husband live in New Jersey with their two little boys. Gina has one young stepdaughter.

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