Relationships

Ask Jill: May 2003

by Jill Curtis

Questions about blending families, stepparenting, second marriages, and more — asked by SecondWivesCafe.com members — answered by Jill Curtis, the author of How to Get Married... Again: A Guide to Second Weddings, Making and Breaking Families: The Way Ahead for Parents and their Children, Find Your Way through Divorce, and Does Your Child Have a Hidden Disability?

Jill,

I am currently married to a wonderful man who loves me very much.

The problem is his ex-wife. We will soon be married for 20 years. She has been a problem since day one. She also married the year after we did. I could write you all night long about things she has done to come between our marriage. The kids have been grown and gone for years now. There are no words to describe this woman.

Why can't she just be content with who she is with now and stop trying to cause turmoil? She badmouths to the kids about their dad. One child is 33 and the other 31. His son lived with us and his daughter lived with her. His daughter is just like the ex.

He married and divorced his ex twice. She didn't want anything to do with him until we met and starting dating. She has done everything in her power to split us up and turn his kids against him. I have just sat back over the years and spoken up when I needed to and let other things go. I felt if I retaliated against her I would be stooping to her level. I am a much better person than that.

But I am so sick of all of this. I thought after all these years she would finally see the real picture. I have even tried being friends with her. That didn't work either. She just tried to move right in on my husband.

I have ignored her for many years now, but I am sick and tired of her crap. This woman is 55 years old. I guess age doesn't really matter these days. Any advice would certainly be appreciated.

— Fed Up in Dallas

Dear Fed Up,

Your message will send chills down the spine of many newly-married second wives! Even after you have been married for nearly 20 years the ex-wife is still causing problems.

It is always sad to know that when there has been a divorce the pain lingers on, even to the next generation and the grandchildren. You don't tell us how your husband deals with all this, and perhaps over the years you have been the one to mop it all up. I hope you have told your husband how sick and tired you are of it all.

From what you say, nobody could ever say you haven't tried and it seems that you have left no stone unturned. I can't think of anything else you can do, but just make sure (as you have obviously done over the years) that this woman doesn't come between you and your husband. How very sad that this turmoil should have gone on for so many years.

Best,

— Jill

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Power Struggle Makes Visits Traumatic

Dear Jill,

I am a stepmom of two wonderful girls, 11 and 8, which my husband has from his previous marriage. We live in Cyprus.

After about three years relationship, we married last year and we are about to have a new baby; I am five months pregnant. The children of course changed a lot since they learned that I am pregnant and they say that they do not want the baby and that is not going to be their brother or sister, which I do understand because they are feeling threatened that they are going to lose their dad one more time.

Our problems cannot be put in one sentence but I will try and give you a quick view of what is going on. Actually, in the sea of problems, the new one that is hunting us the last month is that the children do not want to come and stay with us on the weekends, for which we have a permission by a court decision. They are telling their dad that he does not understand the way they live and that he has his family now and they are alone.

I do understand what they are going through and I know it is not easy for them, however, my husband is heartbroken every time they say these things to him and he pushes them to come against their will, by simply telling them that he will stop all the extra money he is giving to their mom (I completely disagree with this but I cannot say anything to my husband, although he knows my standing on the issue).

So we live in this vicious circle of negative emotions and psychological traumas and I just do not know what to do. In my situation, I feel that the stress is too much and I cannot handle it anymore. I wait for the weekends when the children come with agony; what will happen this time, are we going to have screams and tears again?

Please help and specially guide us how I and my husband should handle the situation.

Just to add to the whole picture, my husdand's ex-wife is from England and my husband does not let her go back to her home because he does not want to lose the everyday contact with the children. Thus, since she is forced to stay in a foreign country against her will, she is doing little things to upset him every day, like sending police to his office when he is a day late with the money (even though he pays all her expenses of his free will, in addition to the child allowance).

I do not want to sound awful, but sometimes I think that the best thing to do is to let them go to England and then we will know that we will see them several times during the year but have a peaceful time without scandals and psychological traumas and we will be able to have quality time in our house all together, happily. Is it wrong what I think?

— Tired of the Drama

Dear Tired,

I think the real problem lies with your husband and his ex and the way she is made to stay in a country where it seems she doesn't want to be. A mother who is deeply unhappy, and possibly resentful, is hard for the children too, and it is not difficult to think along the lines of who is making it hard for the girls to come and visit, and why it is hard for them to accept the idea of the new baby.

In the UK there have been several cases in the courts recently when a mother has been allowed to return to her own country with the children because the judges believe that a depressed mother forced to stay somewhere against her will, with all that entails, may harm the children. Of course, in most cases the father fights against this in fear he will not see his children anymore.

It sounds as if a vicious circle has been set up whereby the girls are fighting issues which belong to the adults. It also sounds as if the disagreements are in danger of escalating. The words that you wrote, "do not understand how they live, and that he has his family now", sound to me as if they come via the children from their mother.

Your husband may think he is giving in to a kind of blackmail, but perhaps you have to ask yourselves what is to be gained by forcing the children to come for what sounds like very unhappy weekends. He must be frantic with worry, but threats about cutting back on money, etc., probably make matters worse. The break-up of a family is always painful, but when a different country comes into the equation the difficulties increase.

So we come to the final question — what will be best for the girls. It sounds as if you have grown to love these "wonderful" girls and it must be hard for you to see them so unhappy now. I really doubt that it is the news about your coming baby, but more likely to be about the distress they are picking up at home.

Best,

— Jill

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My Place As His Wife

Hi Jill,

My husband has let his previous wife scare him into jumping through any hoops she holds up. She has threatened him with losing his kids, who are 24 and 18 years of age, and has been doing this since they were 15 and 21 years of age. She is an attractive, successful women who has always been flirtious with other men when my husband was married to her. Now it's not other men she flirts with since I came into the picture it's him who she is now flirting with, my husband!

My husband had always been very attracted to his first spouse and all his friends and family had told me how he was physically attracted to her to the point of obssesion. I found what his family and friends said disturbing but thought he was just hurting because of his marital breakup. It was not until we married that I realized what exactly his family and friends meant by "obsession" with his first spouse's physical appearance.

After we married I found he was still attracted to her! He would pick up his son and come home telling me how his ex-wife was really friendly to him. He acted as if he had a high school crush, like, "Ahhhhhhh. . . she likes me!" He would behave very happy on days he had to up pick his son. I always thought it was because he was seeing his son but now I do not believe this.

It's like his son brings back memories of his old life with his first wife. And since his son will not let me in, I cannot be part of my husband's life with his son, so my husband is left with old memories of his son and his ex, instead of with his son and me.

Last summer, my husbands ex-wife let him in her home to use her phone when he went to go pick up his son (he had had a car accident). When he came home, he told me how she let him use her telephone and said how nice she was. I was like, "So ? Anyone would let you use their phone if you had a car accident; what's the big deal?"

It's been four years since they have been together so I did not see any big deal in his ex-wife letting him use her phone. But after thinking about it, I realized how often he would come home after picking up his son and discuss how his ex treated him at her house when he was there to pick up his son.

I started to think about his responses and reactions to his ex-wife's beahvior, and now I believe he is still in love with her. When I told him so, he said nothing in response and I walked away.

Since last summer, I think he has worked through some things about how he feels. While I do not believe my husband does not love me, I think that if he does not permit me to make a stand as his wife in a non-confrontational way with his ex-wife, when the time comes to go to a event such as a wedding or graduation etc., his ex-wife will indirectly or directly take control and make us both feel very uncomfortable, maybe me more then him.

My husband said he fears losing his kids to her lies, she may tell them because she would be mad if I delivered gifts to the door house with him waiting in the car, and said that he does not want me to deliver the gifts to the door. So I said, "Fine, then I will not be a part of any graduation, weddings etc., with you for your sons."

Why? Because if I do not make a stand now when the time does comes for my husband and me to be in her company for events such as weddings, graduations, birthdays for grandchildren, etc., she will insult me publicly as she has in the past, to hurt and undermine our marriage.

She has said horrible things and Jim never once picked up for me. He was afraid. And now I think he needs to allow me to take back the power I lost to his ex-wife, and he will not allow me, again, out of fear!

I'm tired of his fears of losing his kids, who hardly even visit. I'm tired of being put out, rejected, playing second best. I feel weak and not in control. His ex-wife controls what he and his kids do in my home! And my husband does not see his kids and his ex-wife controls him through his fear of losing them. He denies many things in his own life as a means of not having to deal with conflict.

Jill, the only opportunity I have to make a stand for myself and take back control is to deliver these gifts when the opportunity arises. It says, too, "I am his wife and he has no problem with me delivering the gifts we give to his sons together. We, me and my husband, work together; you're not pushing me out."

I feel I have to make her hear that somehow, and the only way I see is to be the one to kindly, pleasantly deliver gifts to the door on occasion. I shop and plan and buy all the gifts, prepare the dinners for his sons and their friends, etc. I deserve respect and to feel like I belong too, heck, I do all the work. I need to take back control. I believe this strongly.

Do you see anything wrong with me taking the gifts for his sons, to the door of his ex-wife's house where his sons live?

Thank you for any advice. . .

— Want My Place Back

Dear Want My Place Back,

First of all, I think it is time that you stopped being afraid that anything you or your husband do will result in him losing his kids — they are adults now and will make up their own minds. So don't get caught up in this blackmail — because that is what it is.

From what you say it sounds as if there was a great deal of pain around for your husband when his first marriage broke up — so be generous and try to see his pleasure that his ex is 'nice' to him as some reassurance that he is okay.

I can understand that it is very hard for you if you believe that your husband is still in love with his ex — and hard for you, too, that he does not deny this. But there is love. . . and love. . . and after all, you are the one he is married to now. Memories can't be blanked out though.

Perhaps for the sake of the kids — and yourself — you all need to meet up in advance of any important family occasion. Don't wait until taking the gifts becomes a major issue because this could spoil what should be a happy occasion.

All new families need time to settle, and depending on where you are standing, it is not easy to be the one with an 'ex', the second wife or husband, or stepchild.

But, as you say, you are not in any doubt that your husband loves you, so keep this in mind, and hold on tight to that.

Best,

— Jill

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Sacrificing Future For Him?

Dear Jill,

I am 25 years old and for nearly five years I have been with an older man who has three children from two different marriages. We've lived together for two years. He rarely sees his children, but when they first started coming to our home, he expected me to sleep on the floor so that they could sleep in the bed! Now he is a bit more sensitive to my needs, but I still try to get away when they come for visits. While I think his daughter from his first marriage is a kind girl (in her pre-teens), the story of the second ex-wife combined with her two (younger) boys' rude behavior is difficult for me to tolerate.

The story of his second ex-wife and the way that he helped her financially and she destroyed him financially has become something that I think about often. It upsets me to think of what she did to my partner (we are not yet officially married, for lack of funds, but normally I do refer to him as my husband). It upsets me even more to consider that I am financially unable to have children because of what happened in his previous relationship. I often imagine that when my husband dies, he will leave equal amounts to his children, and since the second ex-wife has so much money, her children will have a great deal! While I will suffer because even the things that I may help my husband to earn, will go to them and not to my own kids.

I expressed this concern to my "husband" and he turned very defensive. He feels that I do not trust him, but that I would be fine if he were making money. He says I would trust him if he were making more. While I've supported my husband and myself the majority of the time we've lived together, he pointed out to me, in an unkind manner, that the house that we live in and the car that we drive belong to him (they were in fact his before we moved in together). He said that we will not share things in an even manner, as I had often thought partners should (which is why I assumed that my supporting him would be appreciated if not reciprocated). He also made it clear that if I don't like the fact that when he dies, he will leave things to his children, I should leave him now.

I have made a great many sacrifices to live with him. I love him. I am most certainly not looking for any money from him, but financially I know that to have a family, I need a partner! Would it seem to you that I should take his advice and leave? Or am I dwelling too much on the past? Should I just give up my desire to have children? Should I even have them in this financially-difficult environment?

Thank you for your advice.

— Too Much Sacrifice

Dear Too Much,

I think you have to think very very carefully about your situation and your future.

From what you say, your husband has had difficulties with relationships before you and it seems as if his relationship with you is a tricky one. Quite honestly, although you say you love him, I find it hard to find in your letter just what you find so loveable. He seems very insensitive to your needs, and I do wonder why you have made so many sacrifices to live with him. He seems to lay out his terms quite clearly, and you have to think long and hard about whether you are prepared to accept them. What do you think the future holds for you if you stay with him?

Kind regards,

— Jill

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